Chuck Norris Turns 70

Chuck Norris Turns 70 -- We Present a Norris Fact for Every Ass-Kicking Year

This man has been kicking people square in the head for 70 years ... to the day.

That's right, Carlos Ray "Chuck" Norris woke up this morning (actually Chuck Norris doesn't sleep, he waits) at the ripe old age of three score and 10. And there's no question that he could still kick your organs inside-out just for breathing the same air as he does.

Anyway, despite our best efforts we could not find an address for Mr. Norris to send him a birthday cake (made of nunchucks), so we've had to settle with a round up of our 70 favorite Chuck Norris facts. One bonus fact first: As decreed by Mr. Norris himself, Norris facts don't have to actually be, uh, true.

Keep reading and enjoy ...

1. Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse-kick-related deaths have increased 13,000 percent.
2. On his birthday, Chuck Norris randomly selects one lucky child to be thrown into the sun.
3. Chuck Norris mistakenly sent Jesus a birthday card on Dec. 25. Jesus was too scared to correct Chuck Norris and to this day Dec. 25 is known as Jesus's birthday.
4. Chuck Norris was born three months premature, because he had asses to kick.
5. Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb.
6. And on the first day Chuck Norris was created ... and he took care of everything else later that afternoon.
7. Chuck Norris once kicked a horse in the chin. Its descendants are known today as giraffes.
8. Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.
9. Chuck Norris drives an ice cream truck covered in human skulls.
10. Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer.
11. James Cameron wanted Chuck Norris to play the Terminator. However, upon reflection, he realized that would have turned his movie into a documentary, so he went with Arnold Schwarzenegger.
12. Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table, because Chuck Norris only recognizes the element of surprise.
13. Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.
14. Chuck Norris once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell him there was a stripper in it.
15. The role of Alf in the hit 80s TV show was played by Chuck Norris's penis.
16. Chuck Norris sleeps with a pillow under his gun.
17. Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.
18. According to Einstein's theory of relativity, Chuck Norris can actually roundhouse kick you yesterday.
19. Chuck Norris can divide by zero.
20. Chuck Norris doesn't wear a watch. HE decides what time it is.
21. Chuck Norris can win a game of Connect Four in only three moves.
22. They once made a Chuck Norris toilet paper, but there was a problem: It wouldn't take shit from anybody.
23. Police label anyone attacking Chuck Norris as a Code 45-11.... a suicide.
24. The original title for Alien vs. Predator was Alien and Predator vs Chuck Norris.
25. Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one.
26. There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of animals Chuck Norris allows to live.
27. If you spell Chuck Norris in Scrabble, you win. Forever.
28. Chuck Norris has the greatest Poker-Face of all time. He won the 1983 World Series of Poker, despite holding only a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoly card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game UNO.
29. Chuck Norris got a blow up doll pregnant.
30. Google won't search for Chuck Norris because it knows you don't find Chuck Norris, he finds you.
31. There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist.
32. In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself.
33. It takes Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.
34. Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.
35. Chuck Norris uses a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris.
36. Aliens DO indeed exist. They just know better than to visit a planet that Chuck Norris is on.
37. When you say "no one's perfect", Chuck Norris takes this as a personal insult.
38. Chuck Norris once shot down a German fighter plane with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"
39. Chuck Norris never wet his bed as a child. The bed wet itself out of fear.
40. If at first you don't succeed, you're not Chuck Norris.
41. Chuck Norris CAN believe it's not butter.
42. We live in an expanding universe. All of it is trying to get away from Chuck Norris.
43. Chuck Norris invented black. In fact he invented the entire spectrum of visible light. Except pink. Tom Cruise invented pink.
44. Chuck Norris played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.
45. Chuck Norris' first job was as a paperboy. There were no survivors.
46. When Chuck Norris does a push-up, he isn't lifting himself up -- he's pushing the Earth down. Observe ...
47. A Handicapped parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.
48. Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.
49. The phrase 'dead ringer' refers to someone who sits behind Chuck Norris in a movie theater and forgets to turn their cell phone off.
50. What was going through the minds of all of Chuck Norris' victims before they died? His shoe.
51. Contrary to popular belief, the Titanic didn't hit an iceberg. The ship was off course and accidentally ran into Chuck Norris while he was doing the backstroke across the Atlantic.
52. For some, the left testicle is larger than the right one. For Chuck Norris, each testicle is larger than the other one.
53. Godzilla is a Japanese rendition of Chuck Norris' first visit to Tokyo.
54. When Bruce Banner gets mad, he turns into the Hulk. When the Hulk gets mad, he turns into Chuck Norris.
55. Human cloning is outlawed because if Chuck Norris were cloned, then it would be possible for a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick to meet another chuck Norris roundhouse kick. Physicists theorize that this contact would end the universe.
56. There are no such things as tornadoes. Chuck Norris just hates trailer parks.
57. When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
58. Chuck Norris and Mr. T walked into a bar. The bar was instantly destroyed, as that level of awesome cannot be contained in one building.
59. Chuck Norris does not follow fashion trends, they follow him. But then he turns around and kicks their ass. Nobody follows Chuck Norris.
60. The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Chuck Norris out. It failed miserably.
61. When Chuck Norris says "More cowbell," he MEANS it.
62. Chuck Norris once sued Burger King after they refused to put razor wire in his Whopper Jr., insisting that that actually is "his" way.
63. Every time someone uses the word "intense", Chuck Norris always replies "you know what else is intense?" followed by a roundhouse kick to the face.
64. If, by some incredible space-time paradox, Chuck Norris would ever fight himself, he'd win. Period.
65. Chuck Norris invented a language that incorporates karate and roundhouse kicks. So next time Chuck Norris is kicking your ass, don't be offended or hurt, he may be just trying to tell you he likes your hat.
66. When an episode of Walker Texas Ranger was aired in France, the French surrendered to Chuck Norris just to be on the safe side.
67. Chuck Norris is so fast, he can run around the world and punch himself in the back of the head.
68. In a fight between Batman and Darth Vader, the winner would be Chuck Norris.
69. The square root of Chuck Norris is pain.
70. Chuck Norris once participated in the running of the bulls. He walked.

Bill Maher: New Rule: Let's Not Fire the Teachers When Students Don't Learn -- Let's Fire the Parents

I like Bill Maher. He hit the nail on the head with this one.

New Rule: When Students Don't Learn -- Let's Fire the Parents

New Rule: Let's not fire the teachers when students don't learn - let's fire the parents. Last week President Obama defended the firing of every single teacher in a struggling high school in a poor Rhode Island neighborhood. And the kids were outraged. They said, "Why blame our teachers?" and "Who's President Obama?" I think it was Whitney Houston who said, "I believe that children are our future - teach them well and let them lead the way." And that's the last sound piece of educational advice this country has gotten - from a crack head in the '80's.

Yes, America has found its new boogeyman to blame for our crumbling educational system. It's just too easy to blame the teachers, what with their cushy teachers' lounges, their fat-cat salaries, and their absolute authority in deciding who gets a hall pass. We all remember high school - canning the entire faculty is a nationwide revenge fantasy. Take that, Mrs. Crabtree! And guess what? We're chewing gum and no, we didn't bring enough for everybody.

But isn't it convenient that once again it turns out that the problem isn't us, and the fix is something that doesn't require us to change our behavior or spend any money. It's so simple: Fire the bad teachers, hire good ones from some undisclosed location, and hey, while we're at it let's cut taxes more. It's the kind of comprehensive educational solution that could only come from a completely ignorant people.

Firing all the teachers may feel good - we're Americans, kicking people when they're down is what we do - but it's not really their fault. Now, undeniably, there are some bad teachers out there. They don't know the material, they don't make things interesting, they have sex with the same kid every day instead of spreading the love around... But every school has crappy teachers. Yale has crappy teachers - they must, they gave us George Bush.

According to all the studies, it doesn't matter what teachers do. Although everyone appreciates foreplay. What matters is what parents do. The number one predictor of a child's academic success is parental involvement. It doesn't even matter if your kid goes to private or public school. So save the twenty grand a year and treat yourself to a nice vacation away from the little bastards.

It's also been proven that just having books in the house makes a huge difference in a child's development. If your home is adorned with nothing but Hummel dolls, DVD's, and bleeding Jesuses, congratulations, you've just given your children the gift of Duh. Sarah Palin said recently she wrote on her hand because her father used to do it. I rest my case.

When there are no books in the house, and there are no parents in the house, you know who raises the kids? That's right, the television. Kids aren't keeping up with their studies; they're keeping up with the Kardashians. We're allowing the television, as babysitter, to turn us into a nation of slutty idiots. By the way, one sign your 9-year-old may be watching too much One Tree Hill: if she has an imaginary friend with benefits.

Jackie's Dairy Barn in Leominster, MA has an AWESOME lobster roll

Can't remember the name of it but it had fried mozzarella sticks, fried clam strips, fried onion rings, fried shrimp, and french fries. It was heaven on a cardboard plate. :)

Mickey's Manifesto

The guy about whom I spoke in my last blog sent me some of his thoughts on how America could be made better. I disagreed with some of his thoughts so he dumped me. I was stunned. My first thought was maybe we can agree to disagree, but apparently he needs a girl who thinks just like he does, rather than a woman who thinks for herself.

The bold font is his manifesto and the non-bold is my response.
I think his brain exploded and he shut down because he just broke off all communication with me.
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Term Limits for Elected Federal Representatives

President and Vice-President, One Term of Six Years Only.
Why? I’m fine with two, 4 year terms. However if you give me a reason why you think one six year term is better I may change my mind.

Senators, Term of Six Years, Limit of two terms only.
Congressmen, Term of Three years, Limit of three terms only.
Okay that sounds fair but, they should be staggered so that not all the Senators and Congressman are leaving at the same time.

Anyone that serves as an elected official will be banned from acting as a lobbyist or power broker in Washington D.C. for no less than Ten Years.
I can live with that, and if they can’t shame on them. It means they were probably up to no good.

Any congressman that wishes to run for the senate must wait at least one full term of the senate before executing that run.
Ooo, I like that idea. 

Any senator that wishes to run for congress must wait at least two full terms of congress before executing that run.
Ooo, I like that idea. 

On the other hand . . . why are we allowing them to double dip in the federal pension pool. Why does one need to be both a senator and a congressman in one lifetime?

Any Tax Increase Will Require A 3/5's Majority To Be Implemented.
I’m embarrassed to say I don’t know what is required now.

Any Tax Reduction Will Require A Simple Majority To Be Implemented.  Okay

Anyone that owes taxes, interest, or penalties for unpaid taxes, is prohibited from holding public office.
Hmm, okay; but part of me wants to say no and I’m not sure why. I’ll have to do some research before I can rebut this.

Ban All Public Sector Labor Unions!
Define? You mean like teacher unions, plumbers and contractor unions? Sorry disagree completely. I think they need to be scaled back and revamped because they have darn near priced this country out of existence. However, there are way too many unscrupulous employers that left to their own devices will not abide by basic laws of common decency.

Labor Unions create an antagonistic relationship between employer and employee.
No, they do not. I have been a member of quite a few, including the AFL-CIO and the CAW.

Public employees are employed by the public.

If a person views the public as an adversary that person shall not work in the public sector.
Bull Shit. As an educator I gotta disagree with you on this one. Your average Joe is a moron and I will not take orders form them in my classroom.

Any Religious Leader of any faith that uses his/her pulpit to promote a political agenda is in violation of Separation of Church and State and shall lose their Tax Exempt Status.
• No, I gotta call bull shit on this one too.
• First of all that will create Mc Carthyism. People will be bringing tape recorders and steno pads to services waiting for the preacher to slip up and say something partisan or political.
• The entire church/congregation should not suffer for the sins of one man or woman. That’s ridiculous. If you want to fine the clergy that may be one thing; but who is going to be the official monitor of this stuff?

Profile update

After my most recent online dating debacle, with a Republican masquerading as a Libertarian. I decided to update my dating profile,to include the following:


I am a registered Democrat with mild Libertarian leanings.
I am a United Methodist and a struggling Christian. I'm not having a crisis of faith. It's just hard to be a Christian good or otherwise.
I don't own a gun, but I am a member of the NRA. If you think the 2nd Amendment needs to be repealed DO NOT send me a message. I'm not changing my mind.
I eat meat and love bacon.
I love shellfish, bivalves, and mollusks, but HATE oysters.
Not particularly fond of fish with fins, but I will eat fried catfish, cod, solid white tuna, or tilapia.
I like baked salmon but hate lox.
I think sushi is bait in a pretty wrapper.
I do not eat organic, but I try to avoid processed foods with preservatives and things I can't pronounce. The exception to this is of course candy. :)
I don't like the war, but I have great respect for the people who defend our country.
I believe that unions serve a purpose; but they are about to price our country out of existence. They need a revision, an over haul of sorts.

If you can't deal with that stuff, then you can't deal with me, STOP reading.

Chlordane Exposure Leads to Diabetes & Parkinson's Disease

Chlordane Exposures and Diabetes

Chlordane, a family of compounds used as insecticides from 1950 to their ban in 1975, was used both to treat crops such as corn, soybeans and vegetables and to treat termite infestations in homes.

Chlordane levels persist even today in animal fats, grains and vegetables and have been measured in the air of homes at up to 40 times the U.S. EPA guideline levels. Why be concerned?

Exposure to chlordane compounds has been linked to a variety of symptoms from headaches, lethargy, and upper respiratory infections to breast, and testicular cancers, leukemia, allergies, depression and Parkinson's disease.

Persons who have been diagnosed with diabetes and/or insulin resistance and would like to reduce their exposures to chlordane compounds should take the following actions in this order:

•If you live in a house built before 1988 that is located in the southern three-quarters of the United States, test the air in your home for chlordane compounds.
•Reduce your consumption of meat and dairy fat.
•Peel vegetables like potatoes and carrots that were grown in soils of unknown chlordane history.
•If chlordane is found in your home air, install a heat-exchange ventilation system as they have been shown to markedly reduce chlordane levels.
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My dad used to own, his own exterminating and pest control business. He sold the business and his client list in the late 1970's for health reasons. Dad had developed some respiratory issues which were resolved within 6 months of his not working with chlordane anymore. In 1983 chlordane was taken completely off the market in the United States. It was widely used as an insecticide for agricultural applications. Unfortunately, I expect there will be many farmers that end up with Parkinson's and a host of other unpleasant ailments and diseases.

Chlordane used to be the gold standard for eradicating termites, crab grass, and various lawn insects.

In later years he has developed: diabetes, an enlarged prostate, and Parkinson's Disease.

Legal Dilemna

About 2 weeks ago we finally bit the bullet and had a whole new septic leach field dug. We have had our septic tank pumped 4 or 5 times since Mother's Day 2009. It's a 5 year old house! That is not normal.

Unfortunately the developer has moved out of state and claimed bankruptcy, so we can't sue him. :angryfire2: He took a lot of shortcuts that are causing us and many of our neighbors lots of money, headaches, and in some instances there are safety issues. :irked:

The guy who did it quoted mom a price of $3,000; but hasn't sent a bill yet, because the cosmetic landscape work isn't done yet. They weren't here 20 minutes before the back hoe hit the buried Comcast Cable line. :irked: He apologized and said he would fix it before he left for the day. I was pissed because we have the Comcast bundle. That meant NO television, NO internet, and NO landline for the 9 hours they were here and working. I had to read a book! :yikes:

True to his word, he fixed the cable line before he left, but some tv's had service and some didn't. I called the Comcast and they came out the next day but since it was monsooning they said they would send somebody later that day. They didn't. I called again and someone came out the next day ran a whole new cable line and checked my modem and made sure everything was online. The cable guy said there might be a fee of $75 on our next bill for the service call and running of new line. Also, and this is the best part, it would take 2-4 weeks for the sub-contractors to come out and re-bury the cable.

Saturday, Chad the septic guy, comes by the house because the toilet in the master bath was having issues. He asks my dad if he could help him out and talk to Comcast because Comcast sent him a $1400 bill for burying the cable. Dad and I are afraid Chad will add that $1400 to the initial bill of $3000. I realize the economy is bad but I don't think my folks should have to eat the cost of Chad's mistake. I appreciate the fact that he tried to fix it. But the cable was cut in like 3 different places. He left exposed copper wire and it was raining when he left. This is probably why the 2 tv's that were working stopped getting reception.

So my question is: Can the septic contractor bill my parents for the $1,400 cost of burying the cable?